Something Casual? Relationship? Marriage? Don’t Know Yet?

On a whim, I joined a dating app.

I told my best friend, I’ll download Bumble if you do.

Welp, there’s almost nothing she wouldn’t do, so here I am, swiping left and right. Mostly left though.

It’s been odd for me here because I’ve been juggling the idea of “getting back out there” for a while now and I’m still not sure how to approach it.

Should I keep going with being single without actively looking or be single and date?

In my ideal scenario, I’d like to just date casually at first, meet guys, see what’s out there, and get back into my flirting game.

One thing I do not want is to have these flings consume my brain and for me to try to make something of every conversation.

But that is how my brain works. I can already see it happening and I haven’t even met anyone yet: activating relationship mode.

Unconsciously, I’m imagining who could become a life partner. Maybe not marriage, exactly. But at least someone who I could introduce my parents to and say, “This is who’s going to stick around”.

Like, I can’t help but take dating seriously. Even if I don’t want to do it seriously.

When the conversations become engaging (and those are few and far between), I find myself creating expectations that won’t be met by any means, and therefore, setting myself up for disappointment when the conversation suddenly stops.

But like I said, I am aware of this. After acknowledging that it’s happening, the next step is to become completely present when I find myself doing it and release those thoughts and expectations.

Bringing someone into this self-love space I’ve created is going to be tough. So through this process, it’s also super important for me to remember that I am enough, by myself.

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