Learning from Self-Sabotage

Do you ever think back to a time in your life about something you did and you wonder why you did it? 

Over a year ago, I had left a long-term relationship and I found myself contemplating a previous relationship and things that happened back then. 

I was young. Very young. I was 21 or about to turn 22 or actually 22. I was dating someone I worked with. It was one of those things where you’re hanging out so much that you decide to date. It was my first everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Except it never got to official boyfriend/girlfriend stage. 

But I digress. 

Anyway, the place we were working at was taking lead applications. I had been there for about 2 years, he 3, and we both decided to apply. I’d say he was more serious about it than I was. I tend to underestimate my capabilities and I applied for it to just, “see what happens”. A current lead told me I would be good for the job, so I should have taken that into account. 

One day we were out on a date and I think we already knew that he did not get an interview. On the date, I received a phone call and found out that I DID get the interview. I was a little shocked but looking back, I knew I had some good people backing me up, re: the person who recommended I apply. 

When I told him, he didn’t take it very well. I don’t remember exactly what he said but he did not express his happiness for me. There was definitely sulking involved. Great boyfriend material, I know. Hopefully he’s better now. 

A few days later, I went to the interview and I would say it went alright. Like, I didn’t blank out on any of the questions. I just didn’t try that hard, and I knew it. There might have been a question about feeling comfortable telling my peers what to do that I might have been wishy-washy about. 

If I wanted to ace the interview, I knew what I should have said. There was a clear answer.

I think at the time, I told myself that I did that because I didn’t really want the job. Which could have been partly true. I didn’t see myself having a career in resort theme parks. (And I quit a year later to pursue a graduate degree.)

But as I was thinking about this incident recently, I realized that I sabotaged myself because I didn’t want this guy I was dating to resent me. I’d rather have him like me than make a move that could have potentially helped my future career in some way.

Thinking about this made me sad. But it also made me realize how much I’ve grown since then, especially when it comes to relationships. 

Never will I feel bad for being more successful than my partner. 

And their insecurities are more their problem than mine. I already have my own to deal with. 

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