Have You Seen Your Yoni?

I love a good dating show, even though I tend to judge them a little (a lot) before I inevitably get into them (and love them). Bonus if they make me think… and boy, was I surprised when Too Hot to Handle, Netflix’s latest reality TV dating show, got my brain working.

The premise of Too Hot to Handle is a group of extremely hot and horny 20-somethings all find themselves on a secluded resort just for them and they can’t do any kind of sexual act or even kiss. They must try to use as much self control as they can in order to walk away with the grand prize of $100,000.

The underlying point of the show is to force the contestants to make a connection that goes beyond just looks. They also go through a few self development workshops in order for them to grow as individuals.

It’s easy to sit back and judge these people for only being focused on looks and who they’re going to bed with. Some of them even admit to not being smart and brag about how many people they’ve slept with.

Trust me when I say, I was surprise to find myself going, “Awwwww” towards the end when the contestants made either a personal breakthrough or a genuine connection with someone else.

But I have to admit, I do admire them for owning their sexuality.

That’s something I’ve struggled with even before my first time. It was hard to think of myself as sexy. And as far as I was concerned, anything that went on down there wasn’t my business, it was God’s. (Something I picked up subconsciously from 9 years of Catholic school and eventually shed in my 20s).

On the show, one of the self development workshops the women participated in was called Yoni Puja. They were going to be looking at their own yoni (vagina in Sanskrit) with a mirror in order to develop a connection with it and appreciate it.

As proclaimed sexual women, I was surprised when many of those women said they hadn’t seen their own vagina before. Many of them realized how special their vagina was and would think twice in the future about who they would let “in” to it. They also learned that all vaginas look different and that’s normal.

Now, prior to seeing this show, I’ve taken a mirror to my own yoni a couple times to get to know it and take ownership of it. (Not from a Yoni Puja workshop but directed by Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, which I highly recommend for all women and men.)

My takeaway from that was similar to the women of the show – my vagina is unique and that’s normal. This is my own to explore and find out what feels good. And yes, I am a sexual person and I’m allowed to be one.

It might seem like those women got more of a restricted lesson (don’t have sex with just anybody) and I received a more freeing lesson (you are sex).

But maybe we received the same lesson: women are amazing and we deserve to own who we are and what makes us who we are. Taking stock of our power is a way of self respect and we need that in order us to recognize we deserve respect from others.

So yeah, as you can see, I really liked the show and found myself rooting for the contestants and their growth. And for my fellow ladies out there, maybe try taking a mirror to your own yoni. Maybe it’ll make you feel some type of way, maybe it won’t. But we could all do with a good feeling of empowerment once in awhile.

Classifying Casual

In a previous post I mentioned that I was on a dating site. I’ve been on there for over a month now, still being picky about who I swipe right on.

And even though I’m usually picky, I find myself, like most women on these apps, running into some f*ck bois.

I discover the f*ck boi when I mention that I’m on there to date casually and to see what happens.

Usually, a follow up question is “how long has it been since you’ve had sex”.

In my situation, it’s probably longer than most people. A serious relationship had ended and I needed time to pull myself together and learn about myself before I could even think about dating again, let alone having sex with someone.

But I’m not going to give that explanation because I don’t see why I have to defend why it’s been over a year.

So, the reactions I’ve gotten so far were “wow, we have to fix that” and “aw, well I’m here for you”.

I don’t need your charity f*ck or your help to “fix” it.

I’m in complete control of my sex life and I have my own reasons for not “gettin it in”.

I’m beginning to think that to others, being “casual” on these apps means I want casual sex. But that’s not really the case.

Can “casual” mean just casual dating? Going out and seeing if we like being around each other first? Like, is there any romanticizing in casual dating?

I’m not saying that sex is off the table. And I’m not saying I’m looking for a relationship right away either.

I’m saying, how do I know if I want to do that with you from only talking to you online?

I’ve been wondering how I should approach this differently next time when I’m asked what I’m looking for. How can I be more clear? Should I use a different phrase? Is it my word choice?

But also, I have to remember that running into these types of guys who are just looking for sex is unavoidable on dating apps.